


cigarettes on the roof

by demispencie



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Closeted Character, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Protective Emily Prentiss, Sad Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, Songfic, Trauma, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demispencie/pseuds/demispencie
Summary: after a hard case , jj and emily decide to smoke for a bit on the roof. when things get deeper , jj is reminded of a conversation with spencer she had a while back, and decides to act on her instincts, much to emily's suprise.fic is loosely based on the song " we fell in love in october" by girl in red.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 11
Kudos: 75





	cigarettes on the roof

**Author's Note:**

  * For [j3milys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/j3milys/gifts).



> prepare for crying , lots and lots of crying :(  
> i made this with my girl in mind , so if it seems kind of sappy feel free to let me know <3  
> hope you'll enjoy !

Jennifer touched the cigarette to her lips once more.

Standing on the roof of the BAU building , smoking cigarettes with her new unit chief wasn’t something Jennifer thought she’d be doing on this cold october night , but it was happening anyways and she wasn’t ready to leave.

This particular case has been hard . Kids . Kids had always been a sensitive thing with the BAU , but it always felt particularly hard on JJ . Sometimes she’d talk about cases like this with Spencer , Will , or even Hotch ( if he was still around ) , but it was different with Emily . Things always seemed... effortless.

"You sure this isn’t something you’d rather be talking about with Will ?” Emily said softly , taking a drag from her cigarette . Neither one of them were avid smokers, but Emily figured it might be a calmer way to help JJ cool off rather than her obsessive fight training and tendency to turn to hard alcohol when these cases got _really_ bad.

“I'm sure,” JJ said , smiling softly at Emily .

“You’d think after everything we’ve seen , after everything we’ve been through , things like this would be easier to deal with by now , but it’s not," JJ said , sighing. She put out her cigarette and looked down at the ground . "It all feels wrong." she whispered.

"I get it ," Emily said , looking at JJ with sad eyes. "It's hard knowing we can't save them all." Emily said quietly , allowing JJ space to think and reply when she was ready.

"Every kid that we save feels great," JJ said, trying to smile, her face forming into a hard grimace instead. "But every kid that we lose..." JJ trailed off , her anxiety building and her mind racing.

Emily grabbed JJ’s hand and put out her own cigarette . JJ stared at their intertwined hands for a moment , and Emily brang her other hand up to JJ's cheek . A part of Emily felt like she was breaking more professional boundaries than she should , but with how she felt about JJ , those codes and rules were furthest from her mind.

"Talk to me." Emily said , tilting JJ's chin up slightly. JJ's lips parted , and Emily felt her relax at her touch.

"Every kid that we lose.." JJ started , her breath shaking . "It just reminds me that what happens if one day I'm the mom crying , waiting for my babies to come home , and all I g-get is an o-officer saying that they’re g-gone and they’re s-sorry for my l-loss?" JJ said , her voice shaking and her eyes starting to well up.

“JJ...'' Emily whispered softly. Emily wiped some of the tears starting to stream down JJ’s face , and dropped her hand , not wanting to make JJ uncomfortable. “I understand. I may not have kids just yet , or ever , but I understand the fear of wondering what it’d be like... what it'd be like to hear news like that.'' Emily said , her throat closing up as she thought about how scared JJ must be.

“ I can’t promise you that you’ll be able to protect Henry or Michael forever, because you won’t. But I can promise you that we’ll be here with you the whole way. We’re your family , JJ , and your kids have the best mom I've ever known. Plus a dad with gun training and a sweet accent to talk his way out of scary situations.” Emily said , laughing lightly in an attempt to brighten the dark conversation.

JJ’s lip trembled , her heart swelling and her mind reminding her about her feelings for Emily. JJ lifted her head, staring at Emily, trying to find a reason to stop her impulses.

When Emily first joined the team , JJ was cold. She often wasn’t one to be angry , or aggressive, but with the way Spencer admired her , she told herself it was lingering jealousy due to her childlike crush on Spencer. She’d distanced herself from Emily, not letting her get too close too quick.

**Spencer was the only one to figure it all out.**

_JJ sat at her desk , twirling her pencil. She sighed as she read over her report for what seemed to have been the thousandth time. Going undercover as Emily’s wife for this case was a different experience , to say the very least. JJ kept trying , but couldn’t shake the memory of Emily’s arms around her waist. It was easy for Emily , since she was out to the group , but JJ wasn’t , making it harder for her to pretend._

_Spencer walked over to JJ , tapping her arm._

_" Yeah , Spence ? “ She said, the interruption stopping her train of thought. Spencer was silent, and instead motioned for JJ to follow him into an empty office. As soon as she entered the room, Spencer locked the door behind them._

_“ What’s up ? I need to finish my report.” JJ said , trying her best to not let Spencer read her._

_“ Well that’s the thing… I-I just…” Spencer said , trailing off , not wanting to offend her._

_“ Just spit it out, Spence.” JJ said , her emotions starting to peek through. JJ just wanted to finish her stupid report , drink half a bottle of whiskey and pass out peacefully next to Will._

_“ You just spent the last twenty minutes trying to work on your report, but you never wrote anything down. And your facial expressions were so tense, like how they are normally when you’re about to cry." Spencer said , unsure for once in his life of how to continue. “ I know that things haven’t always been perfect between you and Emily. You tend to distance yourself from her despite being one of her best friends,” Spencer continued , expecting her to yell at him for what he was going to say next._

_“Ever since Emily came out to us , you’ve shut her out completely.” Spencer said , his voice getting soft. JJ’s gaze suddenly wavered , and Spencer could see the fear in JJ’s eyes._

_“At first I thought it was just some views you might’ve held with the stereotype of homosexuals being “predators” , but I remembered how much you supported me and helped me when I came out to you , and how when Emily came out , you weren’t disgusted - you just seemed scared. So I thought that maybe your reactions towards Emily were because of some bottled up feelings you had for her on your own.” Spencer said softly, his voice shaking as he awaited JJ’s response._

_JJ looked at Spencer, feeling herself start to break. Tears silently began to stream down her face as her hands shook , wanting to hug Spencer but unsure of how to approach. Luckily, Spencer took the cue almost immediately and hugged JJ, slowly petting her hair. JJ sobbed quietly into his sweater , not wanting to speak just yet._

_“ You don’t have to tell me now, you don’t have to tell me ever , I just hope you know I’m always going to be here JJ, **always**." Spencer spoke softly into her ear, holding her tightly, trying to convey how much he loved her in the little words he spoke. “I know something like this is hard to approach , but I can tell you it’ll get easier, because you have so many people who love you and want to make sure you feel comfortable with who you are. You deserve to be happy with **whoever** you love.” Spencer said , his voice still quite soft , but assertive._

_JJ nodded as best she could , clinging onto Spencer for one last moment before dropping her hold and wiping her eyes._

_" I love you, Spence.” JJ said , her voice shaking. JJ’s eyes searched Spencer’s , and she spoke once more. “Can this stay between us , for now ? I don’t think I’m ready to tell anyone just yet.” JJ said softly._

_“Of course.” Spencer said, nodding. JJ kissed Spencer’s cheek and walked towards the door , ready to leave._

_“Hey JJ ?” Spencer called, causing JJ to turn before she walked out. “Whenever you decide you’re ready , I’ll be right here , and I know Will will understand too.” he said earnestly , wanting her to know it was going to be alright. JJ gave him a small smile and nodded slightly, walking back to her desk to finish her report._

" JJ , you in there ?" Emily said softly. JJ jerked awake from the memory looking at Emily , letting herself go.

"I'm sorry." JJ said. Before Emily could ask what was wrong , she felt JJ’s lips against hers.

**_Kissing Emily felt like home_ ** _, JJ thought._ **  
**

Before Emily could kiss her back or confess her repressed feelings , JJ broke the kiss, silent tears falling down her face as she ran to the roof door.

“JJ , wait!” Emily yelled, running to follow her, but it was too late . The door shut in her face and she was alone .

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first cm fic ! please excuse any improper grammar or mistakes , i tried my best to edit it properly ! tbh i was crying while writing and editing the whole thing, i hope it lived up to some expectations :) constructive criticism and / or any feedback is appreciated <3 
> 
> p.s. you can find me on @reidsjcreau on instagram , where i post graphic edits :)


End file.
